In the movie Black Panther, Nakia tells T’Challa, “You can’t let your father’s mistakes define who you are. You get to decide what kind of king you are going to be.” I loved the whole movie, but this line is what stuck with me. So many of us are shackled, limited, burdened by our history. Our personal narratives are shaped by our families, our culture, our education, major events, and sometimes minor happenings. The narratives become our identity; we believe that our biographical facts represent and dictate not just who we are, but who we must be.
We label ourselves by an endless list of descriptions – happy childhood, unhappy childhood, victim, survivor, a specific generation, a career, a role, an illness or injury, a success, a failure, relationship status, and so on. I have certainly done this over my lifetime, and I’ve lived long enough to have quite a long list!
But in recent years, I have reversed the process and started asking myself, “Who am I if I’m not (fill in the blank)?” It can be unnerving to realize how attached we can be to the stories of who we are. It can also be liberating to realize that we can let them go. The essence of who I am is not defined by my history. When I release the roles, the labels, the stories, the heaviness of all my history, I am amazed by how much lighter I feel. Like T’Challa, I get to decide what kind of person I’m going to be.
I don’t mean that I can decide the details or circumstances. At this point, it’s safe to say that I will never be a federal judge, a concert pianist, an Olympic equestrian, or any of the other identities that I fantasized about at one time or another. But I can decide to be happy, kind, content, loving, compassionate, grateful, generous. I can be a good friend and neighbor. I can love my family. I can be a good steward of my time and resources. Likewise, I can decide not to be bitter, judgmental, arrogant, full of regret, self-critical, unsatisfied.
The choice is mine and mine alone, and every breath is another opportunity to choose.
Q: Where are you?
A: Here.
Q: What time is it?
A: Now.
Q: Who are you?
A: This moment.
~from the movie Peaceful Warrior
Galen, this post resonates with me. It seems that we are either living up to the family history or living it down. I agree that the history need not define us. At every moment, we have the right to choose how we want to navigate this world. I think it also applies to medical history (to a degree) in a psychosocial sense.
I loved your first sentence, Mona — that says it all! And that is an interesting observation about medical history. Thank you for making that connection.
Hi Galen,
Like you, I’ve lived long enough to have a long list of labels that once (I believed) defined me. Interestingly, it was earlier this year when I realized none of my labels can describe “who I am” now. I must admit I was taken aback. Old circumstances, relationships, and titles-things that used to make up an identity-were gone, and I realized I hadn’t replaced them with anything.
I am not who I thought I was then. I’m not sure I know who I think I am now! As one moment moves into the next, I may be peace, or I may be thunder. One thing I always am is alive, and that is the identity I’m resting with now!
Thank you, Galen. I always enjoy your posts!
Tammy
Thank you, Tammy. I used to freak out when I felt one identity slipping away before another one took its place. I finally realized that these identities/labels come and go, so I quit paying so much attention to them. That is, until recently when one of my kids made an observation about me and I thought, “That’s not me at all!” Apparently I still have a few attachments to labels. I had a good laugh at myself and let that one go too.
Hi Galen,
This entire conversation is resonating with me also. As the fifth of eight siblings, there are so many variations of who we are in relationship to each other. Sometimes the possibilities feel infinite, and in unhappy circumstances, old birth order biases, various memories of parental favoritism, etc. are just too much too juggle. The holidays can raise great feelings or resentful feelings. Your reminder is that I can choose, and forgetting irrelevant past events, I can be open to who these valued siblings are in the NOW. I love them all, even if I don’t understand them sometimes! The fact that we are all still alive on this planet is truly a gift.
Love to you for your insights, wisdom and humanity.
Thank you for your perspective, Gwen. The holidays seem to bring up a lot of our “history” issues for many people. As someone said, “If you think you’re enlightened, just go spend some time with your family.” So true! How wonderful that you can choose to enjoy the holidays NOW and find so much to be grateful for. Nice to hear from you!