Years ago, I was standing on a sidewalk in Paris, close to a line of cars parked along the curb, chatting with some friends. Suddenly a deep voice bellowed from the car closest to me. “Step away from the car! Step away from the car!” I didn’t just step, I leapt several feet, crashing into one of my friends as we all gasped and stared at the driverless car with the newfangled and very effective car alarm.
Step away. I find that to be good advice in many situations. When I was younger, I had a close but dysfunctional friendship with someone over several years. I wanted things to be better, and I tried so many ways to move things in a healthier direction, but to no avail. It really came down to wanting the other person to be different, and I’m sure she felt the same way about me. Finally, I gave up and ended the friendship. I grieved, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.
One of the things I taught my contract students was how important it is to know when to walk away from the negotiating table. Sometimes, it becomes clear that the transaction is not going to meet the client’s needs. At that point, even if a lot of time and effort has been invested and a certain momentum has built up towards closing the deal, the best course is to walk away.
Sometimes, stepping away is as simple as taking a breath before reacting in anger or fear. Or pausing before judging or criticizing someone. Or setting healthy boundaries. Or turning off the TV when you are overwhelmed by the news.
I am not suggesting stepping away as a means of avoidance or turning away from someone in need. I’m suggesting that stepping away can be an act of wisdom and empowerment. It can be a shedding of shackles that keep you tied to the past, to negative influences, to habits that do not serve your highest good.
One of the most beneficial ways I have learned to step away is releasing thoughts or thought patterns that trap me in emotional snares and prevent me from being fully engaged in the present moment. Sometimes what we struggle most with is not our circumstances or other people, but ourselves. So I tell myself in my best car alarm voice, “Step away from the thought!”
It sounds so simple, and it is. And perhaps that is why it’s so hard. Every time we fight with reality, every time, without exception, we will lose. We catch ourselves in the net our own illusion of how we want things to be, how we want other people to be, how we want ourselves to be. We struggle and fight and try, try again, looking for relief from our pain in every possible way except the one way that would actually work.
To be free … simply step out of the battle. ~Jack Kornfield
great posting
And I love your ending quote —- To be free … simply step out of the battle. ~Jack Kornfield
Thanks Esther!
Quitting can leave a bad taste in my mouth but I need to know when to quit or step away as you say. It puts a new light on quitting. I’ve also come to appreciate the saying – it is what it is.
You have really highlighted a cultural conditioning we have that says to never give up, push through the pain, try try again, and so on. We even do this with our bodies. When I had cancer I realized that the general approach to cancer was to “fight.” I decided instead to honor what was happening in my body, to receive it as a gift, and to trust that I would be led where I needed to go. (I’m not criticizing anyone else’s approach — this is a very personal thing.)
Martial arts teaches us “don’t insist, don’t resist.” You respond appropriately to what is happening rather than trying to force an agenda.
But a friend of mine said it best. “You know, you don’t have to die on every hill.” Indeed!