We sometimes judge ourselves for falling short of how, in our opinion, a “spiritual” person should think and behave. If I am feeling upset, angry, despondent, sad, fearful, then I must not be practicing enough. I must try to do better, be better. Maybe I’m too lazy, or unfocused, or not really committed to the spiritual path. Sometimes it’s just too hard to be enlightened. Sometimes I just don’t care.
Listen to all the judgmental words in those thoughts: falling short, should, must, try, better, lazy, uncommitted, hard, uncaring. All this judgment is based on the mistaken belief that a spiritual person only feels what we think of as positive feelings: serene, happy, compassionate, joyful, loving. When we experience what we think of as negative feelings, we judge ourselves at fault.
The world we live in, however, is a world of duality. Forms emerge from oneness in a web of balanced relationships containing all possibilities. We are always connected to all of creation, and all creation is contained within our being. When we attach to parts of ourselves and reject other parts, we create an imbalance that exhausts us in our futile effort to sustain it. Instead of constricting ourselves to exclude the parts that we would rather deny, we can expand ourselves to embrace all of who we are.
In the aftermath of the US election, I heard people not only expressing a range of feelings, but also judging themselves for feelings they considered less than enlightened. When we struggle against ourselves, we become our own worst enemy. Our challenge is not to force ourselves into some fantasized image of a sage, but to show up as we are, to be honest with ourselves and others, and to be kind. We can gather all of who we are within the embrace of loving acceptance. And what could be more enlightened than that?
Love will cover you with its feathers, and under its wings you will find refuge. ~paraphrasing Psalm 91:4
Thanks for the reminder…just what I needed. Also want to say I seldom comment but want you to know that I love your thoughts and writing.
Thank you so much, Thom. Pleased to know that you are a lurking reader. (I lurk on a few sites too.) Happy to hear from you whenever you feel moved to comment.
YES WELL PUT —
Our challenge is not to force ourselves into some fantasized image of a sage, but to show up as we are, to be honest with ourselves and others, and to be kind. We can gather all of who we are within the embrace of loving acceptance. And what could be more enlightened than that?
Thanks, Esther!
As soon as I saw that sweet mama duck with her babes, I was reminded of the bible verse you referenced. I will echo what Thom said–I needed this reminder. All of us need refuge under the everlasting wings of love. Thanks, Galen!
Same here — I loved that photo when I saw it. And that Bible verse is one of my favorites. Thanks for commenting, Pam.
Hi Galen,
I absolutely agree with your thoughts about how we judge ourselves. I can’t tell you how many years I dealt with the judgemental conga line in my head–listing every perceived failure over and over until I discovered I could turn off the music.
In addition to rejecting parts of myself, I also believed I needed to forgive myself for losing my patience, or for holding less than loving thoughts towards someone…as you shared in a previous post, it was compassion that freed me from the dance.
I remember standing in front of a sink full of dishes and finally saying out loud “why do you need to forgive yourself for being human?!” I suddenly felt compassion for myself welling up inside. It’s hard to put into words how liberating it has been to embrace the whole of the person that I am–a not always perfect human being, and that’s okay! I find there is a much softer side of me that emerges in difficult moments, and love, kindness, and patience flow more freely when I stop the self-criticism.
Thank you, I always enjoy your posts!
Thank you so much, Tammy, for sharing your experience with self-compassion. What a wonderful revelation — “Why do I need to forgive myself for being human?” Wow, I love that! I’m going to put that on a sticky note on my mirror.
Years ago when I held myself to an impossible standard, a friend would respond to my frequent self-criticism with “welcome to the human race.” I always thought “No thanks! Not me!” Ha! I laugh about it now, but at the time it was exhausting.
Thank you for gracing us with your pearl of wisdom.
I needed this – a reminder that it starts with me. If I can’t love myself how can I love another? If I can’t be kind to myself, how can I be kind to another? If I can’t show compassion to myself, how can I show compassion to another?
Well said, Mona. Thanks for condensing the message into these questions.
Ah… being gentle with ourselves. What a great thing to hold in our hearts. I was actually beating myself up a bit for not writing more lately…haven’t done a post in AGES…and your loving post reminded me that compassion for myself is just as important as compassion for others. After all, we are all in this together. Thank you Galen. ~Kathy
That’s a great example, Kathy, of how easy judgment and self-criticism creep into our thoughts. We hardly even notice the background chatter going on. I might take your reminder one step further: Compassion for yourself IS compassion for others. Hmm….