
It’s hard to ask for help. We like to be self-sufficient and not have to depend on anyone else. Our culture values independence. Asking for help is seen as weak, not fully in control. And you know we all like to be in control! Being in control is seen as strong. But let’s think about that.
Is it possible that the need for independence and control has a hidden quality of fear? Maybe we don’t trust others to meet our needs. Maybe someone will let us down. Maybe we don’t want to feel beholden to someone. Why is that? What is all this distrust and fear about? What do we think we are protecting with this emphasis on self-sufficiency? What is so scary about being connected to others? And really, if we’re honest with ourselves, are any of us truly independent?
I’m not. I just got off the phone with a plumber who is going to fix something I don’t know how to fix. I’m going to eat food for lunch that I did not produce. I didn’t build my house, or manufacture my car, or make the clothes I’m wearing. I can’t even begin to understand how this computer works that I’m typing on. And if something is wonky with my phone, I will immediately ask one of my kids to take care of it.
Those are all practical matters, of course. Most of us would admit that we depend on others to assist us in obtaining the basic necessities of life. Even when I was a back to the land hippie living off the grid, I still used tools and products made by others. We generally don’t feel uneasy about this sort of support. When we move into the field of emotions, however, things start to get tricky.
Asking for emotional support, allowing ourselves to receive emotional support, or even feeling the need for emotional support often triggers anxiety, self-judgment, shame. We don’t want anyone to know we’re having a hard time. We think we should be able to handle everything on our own. We think we should move through a difficult time faster, easier, more skillfully. There must be something really wrong with us if we need help.
Wow, that’s a lot to put on ourselves. Not only are we dealing with one of life’s inevitable bumpy periods, but on top of that we are blaming ourselves for feeling challenged, and cutting ourselves off from support at the time we need it most. Vulnerability is not for sissies!
That’s funny…and true. It takes courage to trust, to let others see us as we are, to risk being hurt or disappointed, But in doing so, we give others permission to be who they are, to have courage to take a risk, to have faith that help is available. I am here to tell you that it is worth it. I spent the last year asking for help. I asked for help from people, nature, gods and goddesses, angels, animals, the dearly departed, my body, the universe, and too many other sources to list. Now I don’t hesitate to ask for help. Because here is the truth:
You do nothing by yourself. You are never alone. Ask for help in all things and help will be provided. You are connected to and surrounded by endless realms, countless beings, boundless energies, all humming in harmony with your soul. Your request sends out a message through the web of all creation, and the entire universe vibrates in response. It matters not to whom you speak or the form of your request. And you may not recognize the specifics of the answer. But rest assured that your heart is heard and the universe responds with love.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ~Matthew 7:7-8
great blog entry — important, meaningful – thank you
Thanks, Esther.
I used to think ‘being adult’ meant ‘taking care of stuff by yourself’. What a bozo!
Not a bozo! That is what many of us were taught. Getting past the self judgment allows us to accept ourselves as we are and connect to others in a genuine way. We’re always learning!
This post came on what would have been my dad’s 84th birthday. Both he and my mom died too young. One lesson I wish I had not learned from them was self sufficiency. Neither one of them was that great at reaching out for emotional support. My sisters and I have worked hard to undo that lesson for our own children and for each other. But it is a challenge, just as you stated so eloquently above. Thank you for this. <3
Self-sufficiency is so highly valued and as parents, we want to instill independence and confidence in our kids. But as you have experienced, there is a balance point that encourages connection and mutual support without going too far in the direction of helplessness and total dependence. Glad you and your sisters have come to that understanding for yourselves and your children.