I’ve been churned up lately about a personal situation. I find myself on the hamster wheel, running and running and getting nowhere. I run over things past – words that were said, decisions that were made, actions that were taken. I imagine different words, different decisions, different actions, and the different outcomes that would have resulted.
But those outcomes are just fantasies, because no one knows what would have happened. And even if those outcomes would have come to pass, the fact is that they didn’t, because those paths were not chosen. And all my running is just spinning stories. As A Course in Miracles teaches, “The only wholly true thought one can hold about the past is that it is not here.”
The wheel turns and I am still running, now into the future. I am imagining conversations I will have, choices I will make, outcomes I will direct to make things better. I feel anticipation and anxiety. What if, what if, what if. I am still spinning stories, now stories about the future, stories that are no more true than the stories about the past. Stories about outcomes that I desire but cannot ensure.
And why do I desire them? Because I have judged them good. But what makes me think I know what would be good? Many things I thought were bad at the time turned out to be good, and the reverse is also true. Good and bad are just more stories.
I begin to see that the outcomes I am trying to bring about, through trying to control what I cannot control, might not bring the relief I seek from the pain I feel about the past and the anxiety I feel about the future. So I run faster, trying to figure this all out. Until I start to tire. Until I start to realize that the pain and anxiety are not about what is real in this moment. They are about the running, the endless spinning on the wheel that goes nowhere. I am exhausted.
Finally, I ask for a miracle, not about changing the past or ensuring the future. I ask to stop the wheel and get off.
And the miracle about miracles is that once you ask for one, you will surely get it. Not because of some hocus pocus or law of attraction. You will get a miracle because it is our natural birthright, our true nature. We discover that all miracles are the same miracle – being fully alive in this holy instant, one with the vastness of all creation. Grateful.
I wake today with miracles correcting my perception of all things. ~A Course in Miracles